Snoozeflash: Jesus freaks boycott GAP

There are so many reasons to boycott the GAP (hello, ugly clothes?), but the American Family Association would like you to boycott this retail store, along with Old Navy and Banana Republic, because they hate Jesus and will not mention the word "Christmas" in their advertising out of respect for "other" religions.

This kind of thing happens every year, where mouth breathers like the AFA get free press (you're welcome) for playing the War On Christmas card against multi-billion dollar corporations who could give two shits and will still manage to turn a profit thanks to Christians and Jews who could also give two shits about clown farts and their Internet petitions, rendering the whole boycott useless, the end.

But still, go to the AFA website and sign the pledge with an offensive name and write an obscene comment, then go to the GAP and buy something dumb for your aunt. Everyone wins.

Ted Haggard would like you to come over to his house, for "church"

I've been addicted to fucktards and their Gods the past few days, so let's close out the week (I won't be here tomorrow!) with a charming Ted Haggard story. Bitch is opening a new church. In his living room.

Let us parse:

“We wanted to do something in our house to connect with friends,” said Haggard.

Ted Haggard wants to meet some new dick.

Haggard will hold his first gathering, open to the public, at 7 p.m. Nov. 12 at his house at 1865 Old Ranch Road.

Google map that shit and rent a car. Go there, to Ted Haggard's house on Old Ranch Road!

He referred to it as a “prayer meeting” but said it would also be correct to call it a church.

It would also be correct to call it a Craigslist PnP fuckfest with wrinkly old married men, at least one person on parole, and someone who doesn't speak English. (Personal experience.)

Haggard anticipates that 10 to 20 people will show up for the evening of music and prayer...

Ted Haggard is HONGRY. Music and prayer = Meth and poppers.

“For this prayer meeting, I have no goals,” Haggard said. “I have no secret hope that more people will come. I am not driven as I was. Before I focused on the Great Commission. Now I focus on helping other people.”

Typical bottom.

“I am much more compassionate, more kind, more patient,” he said. “I’ve learned that God is sovereign, and the number one thing we should do is trust him.”

And, trust that invoking His name, to any poor schmuck who will listen, will starting bringing in that ca$h.

While Haggard isn’t sure where his first gathering will lead...

Ha! Wanna bet?

...he has no doubt about the first hymn to be sung: “Amazing Grace.”

Fag.

Pray the porn away

Is porn ruining your life? Does the sight of a hard cock make you feel shame and disgust? Are you a worthless whore?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, or if you are currently reading this blog post, which is on a blog that features gay pornography, there is help! WRAP week (White Ribbon Against Pornography) was actually last week, but you can click the photo above for ten easy ways to fight against the "devastating influences of pornography." Interestingly enough, items 3, 4, 5, and 9 all sound like things that could eventually lead to watching porn, or having an orgy, so watch out! THEY MIGHT BE TRICKS.

But wait, there's more. WRAP is brought to you by "Girls Against Porn," which is a website where girls hate porn. How much do they hate porn? Enough to make a website about it, for starters! But also, look at all the women who write in to share their stories:

God hates book burners

A couple of weeks ago I told you about some backwoods bible-thumping sister felchers and how they were going to burn books that made them so mad, namely, certain books by extreme liberals like Billy Graham and heretics like Rick Warren. This was going to happen on Halloween, but, oh shit, it rained...

Paging Piano Cat...

Demons!

I'll give this clown the benefit of the doubt and assume she's drunk. I can't be sure, but I think I heard her say that she used to work for the government but was—surprise!—fired. So, just be happy a person like this is keeping busy by making a fool of herself in public as opposed to earning a living off your tax dollars.

Oscar winner to Scientology: I quit this bitch

First of all, thank you Google images.

Paul Haggis, who wrote the truly awful movie Crash, is done being a Scientologist. How/why anyone would join this group of gayliens in the first place is beyond me, but better late than never, Mr. Haggis. The Oscar winner is making news because of the fantastic goodbye letter he wrote to Scientology leader Tommy Davis, which reveals his anger over the "church's" support of California's Proposition 8. Money quote:

But I reached a point several weeks ago where I no longer knew what to think. You had allowed our name to be allied with the worst elements of the Christian Right. In order to contain a potential “PR flap” you allowed our sponsorship of Proposition 8 to stand. Despite all the church’s words about promoting freedom and human rights, its name is now in the public record alongside those who promote bigotry and intolerance, homophobia and fear.

[...]

Frankly, I had to look no further than your refusal to denounce the church’s anti-gay stance, and the indefensible actions, and inactions, of those who condone this behavior within the organization. I am only ashamed that I waited this many months to act. I hereby resign my membership in the Church of Scientology.

Hooray! I love when people quit going to church, for any reason, but doing so because of anti-gay stuff is extra special.

"Joe My God" posted a hate group's phone number (910-308-7619) and Peter LaBarbera took a screen cap of it

YIKES...what is going on here? It's a screen cap of famous pig felcher Peter LaBarbera's website, where he's taken a screen cap of a post from "atheist homosexual" blogger Joe My God that instructs his readers to ring up Concerned Women for America and book a seat at their upcoming dinner party where everyone will hate gays, for Jesus. Peter is so mad at Joe about this! Joe's readers are mostly gay, so if they show up at this anti-gay dinner, everything will be ruined. Now, I have taken a screen cap of the screen capped post, which means you must take a screen cap of my post and put it on your own blog, to keep the fun going.

You should call that hate group's number, too!

Also, Joe and Peter should just fuck and get it over with.

Go to this fun book burning Halloween party, with Fundamentalist Baptists!

No, this church, The Amazing Grace Baptist Church, is not burning Catcher In The Rye or Heather Has Two Mommies, the usual smut. They're burning Bibles! Bibles?

Uhh, yeah. The dumb Bibles that aren't the King James ones. Does the King one have better shit in it? Who can say? Have any of you ever read any of the Bibles?

The Scriptural bases for what we are doing each year is found in Acts 19:18-20 "And many that believed came, and confessed, and shewed their deeds. Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed."

Gah, does not compute.

Also:

We are not burning Bibles written in other languages that are based on the TR. We are not burning the Wycliffe, Tyndale, Geneva or other translations that are based on the TR. We will be serving Bar-b-Que Chicken, fried chicken, and all the sides.

If you are in North Carolina on Halloween, please go to this book burning and take some pixxx for us.

(Via Wonkette, who wins the Internet today by commenting: "How does a human being become this insane? Imagine how hard you would have to work, mentally, for your whole life, training yourself to be as insane as fucking possible about everything, every object you see, every interaction you have, to the point where you would plan or attend this church’s Halloween book burning non-ironically, agreeing with each aspect of this itinerary on earnest grounds, actually believing that this event would result in some sort of pure, positive good, and then telling people in public, on the publicly available Internet, about this event. Try to imagine for yourself a hypothetical psychological path that would lead you to this sort of existence. “Clinical psychosis” won’t even get you halfway.")

Sorry you guys, there will be no "Christian version" of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue

Sorry to deliver such bad news to all of you Unzipped readers who are Christians, but there's not going to be a special version of Sarah Palin's memoir for you. The rumors swirling among Evangelicals (they love to gossip) that there would be a separate edition of Going Rogue with bonus material on faith are simply not true.

News reports that Sarah Palin is planning a separate Christian version of her forthcoming memoir, Going Rogue, are false, according to her publisher, Harper Collins. The reports were so widely circulated that they appear to have caused confusion at Zondervan, a Christian publisher owned by Harper Collins, where the director of publicity said yesterday that a special Christian edition of the book had been planned but was scrapped because of the expedited timetable for the book's release.

Politico has reported on the possibility of "a slight addition on faith for the Zondervan edition," and bloggers have speculated on what information a separate Christian edition would include. Instead, Zondervan will copublish the same version of Palin's memoir and distribute it to Christian booksellers.

Well, shit. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the idea of an English version of Sarah Palin's memoir.

Demonic gays made Chicago lose the Olympics

Like 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina, once again the gays are to blame for something horrible happening to the United States. This time, it's for Chicago losing the 2016 Olympics.

Ex-gay Christian James Hartline recently explained this theory on his pornography website, "The Hartline Report," and it is a chilling reminder of how evil, and how very gay, the gay activists are.

It all started after violent devil gays tried to attack Hartline when he went to protest the Gay Games in Chicago's Boys Town back in 2006:

Because former homosexual James Hartline and the other Christians were willing to risk their lives for the Gospel while the world was glorifying homosexuality in Chicago, the Spirit of the Lord was released upon Chicago's demonic gay agenda in 2006.

The Spirit of the Lord began contending with the anti-christ spirit inside the City of Chicago from that day forward. Thus, when President Barack Obama, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley and their armies of gay activist supporters in Boys Town attempt to square the reasons for their failure to garner an Olympic Bid for the Windy City, they had better recount the day that the Wind of the Holy Spirit was emparted into Chicago in 2006.

Thank goodness the 2016 Olympics will be in Rio, where nothing is gay.