The last ten years, in seven minutes

While this clip is well executed, you can't help but realize how much truly awful shit happened this past decade. And, they left a lot out. I would've preferred they mention Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face over seeing Terry Schiavo's face, for starters. 

What other extremely important things did they leave out? The Segway, Snuggies, Anna-Nicole, KFC Bowls, Craigslist, Puggles, teabaggers?

Never-before-heard Sarah Palin speeches (for reals!), as presented by Michael Musto

Unbelievable. From The Advocate:

Village Voice columnist Michael Musto's appeared on MSNBC’s Countdown in drag on Wednesday to deliver the speeches former Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin prepared for election night last year but never got the opportunity to deliver.

According to the new book Sarah from Alaska: The Sudden Rise and Brutal Education of a New Conservative Superstar by Scott Conroy and Shushannah Walshe, the speeches were readied for Palin on election night, tailored to the two possible outcomes, but her running mate, John McCain, balked at the possibility.

MSNBC host Lawrence O’Donnell, who subbed for Keith Olbermann on Wednesday, introduced Musto’s performance as “never-before-seen footage of the former vice-presidential candidate going rogue and delivering the speech the McCain campaign did not want you to see.”

In the speeches, Palin apparently planned to present her husband Todd to the nation as “the first dude.”

Michael Musto's new book, Fork on the Left, Knife in the Back is available for pre-order now.

Happy Election Day!

While the majority of us won't be voting in the handful of state and local elections being held today across the country, you might be interested to know that one of your favorite characters from last year's national election is back on the campaign trail, sort of. Just click play—if you dare—on the You Tube thing above and pretend that it is 2008 all over again while listening to this familiar voice doing some sexy robocalls to help Virginia's Republican gubernatorial nominee. Then, thank God (or whomever) that this is all the influence and power this person has left, having been asked to make cold calls to landlines, in Virginia.

Congressman Kruezer?!

Someone with some eerily familiar computer skills in North Carolina is running for a congressional seat next year and, jesus christ, do you like seizures?

Ahem:

To stop the OBAMA-NATION Socialists in Washington DC, we must first go to the root of the POISON TREE, which created all them. This POISON TREE, is the "Social Engineering" located within the so-called 1964 Civil Rights Act, to the U.S. Constitution.The ONLY REASON, the so-called 1964 Civil Rights Act passed, was due the fact, Lyndon B. JOHNSON, had many political debts owed to him, in 1964.

"George Hutchins" is his name, and in addition to repealing the 1964 Civil Rights Act, this actual human being would like you to know that Obama was elected due to massive voter fraud. Also, Ronald Reagan.

If you hate your eyeballs, enjoy.

(Via Buzzfeed.)

John McCain is fucking with the Internet

The FCC is usually always wrong, but when it comes to their stance on leaving the Internet alone, they are actually right. They are currently in a battle with various corporate interests/lobbyists over how much shit you get to see on the Internet and how fast you see it, and John McCain, who is literally 110 years old and insane, has become so friendly with these lobbyists! He even introduced a bill for them.

Fuck you, John McCain:

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) introduced a bill in the Senate on Thursday that would effectively allow Internet service providers to slow down or block Internet content or applications of their choosing.

The move came the same day as the federal government decided to move forward on an official Net neutrality policy that would prevent ISPs from making those types of decisions.

The FCC's new rules would prevent ISPs, for example, from blocking or slowing bandwidth-hogging Web traffic such as streaming video or other applications that put a strain on their networks or from charging different rates to users.

McCain's bill, the Internet Freedom Act, would block the Federal Communications Commission from making Net neutrality the law of the land. The rule preventing ISPs from slowing down certain types of content would create "onerous federal regulation," McCain argued in a written statement.

See how that works? Put the word "freedom" in your bill to make it a bill that Real Americans™ will bust nuts over when your bill is actually proposing the very opposite of freedom.

GO AWAY OLD MAN.

"I'm against things."

The Onion, as usual, nails it:

OLYMPIA, WA—With random cries of "Enough is enough," "Do something now," and "Huh?" thousands of the nation's biggest morons descended on Washington State this week, some 3,000 miles from their intended destination of the nation's capital.

"No Social Security for Medicare!" Michigan idiot Kevin Liston added. "Not in my backyard!"

Throughout the day, the number of protesters grew to include not just morons, but more than 6,000 nimrods, 3,500 dunderheads, and approximately 12,000 of the biggest fucking dipshits known to man.

"I didn't know Washington, D.C. had Seattle in it," said Connecticut resident Kyle Hinton, an idiot. "Anyway, stop the war! No more hate! Swine flu! Iran! Pharmaceutical companies! Illegal immigrants! Never again!"

Read the whole thing.

The year of ridiculous Republicans

HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher had its season finale the other night, and the final "new rules" segment was a nice homage to all the clown farts and douche bags we've seen this year. Maher's line about Michelle Bachman was particularly wonderful.

Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize, everyone loses their shit

Whether or not you think it's a good thing that Obama surprisingly picked up the Nobel Peace Prize this morning, shouldn't you at least think that this is a good thing for America?

Not if you're a Republican:

"I did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota for it, but that is the only thing I can think of for this news...The Peace Prize reaffirms it is a joke. But now a sad joke."

A sad joke. Such tricky language for a prize you admit to never taking seriously anyway. If they had awarded it to Dick Cheney, would it just be a regular old "funny" joke then?

But don't worry, the Democrats are just as full of hyperbole:

"The Republican Party has thrown in its lot with the terrorists -- the Taliban and Hamas this morning -- in criticizing the President for receiving the Nobel Peace prize."

Have a nice day, children.

So Bill O'Reilly wants to fuck Michelle Bachman

Pretty disturbing stuff, especially if you consider Bill O'Reilly's penchant for making hilarious (and kind of hot?) advances towards women with loofahs and phone sex. Not that comical dingbat Michelle Bachman would ever be able to tell when or if someone was flirting with her. She is so innocent.

Also, Michelle Bachman simply does not need "government" to be successful, as evidenced by her past job as a federal tax attorney and her current government job in the United States House Of Representatives. Dumb "government"!

Here, masturbate to this calendar

It's the "2010 Great American Conservative Women" calendar, featuring all your favorite great American conservative women. Look, there's Admiral Akbar, Jessica Simpson, actual human excrement Michelle Bachman, Whoopi Goldberg's father, a cunt, Daryl Hannah in drag, your mom, bukkake chipmunk Michelle Malkin, and some fat girl. Hooray! ORDER NOW WHILE SUPPLIES LAST.