Cody Kyler has more accents than Madonna

Cockney, British, Oklahoman...Cody Kyler can do them all! Pretend boyfriend Cody Kyler went to Europe and picked up several awards at the Hustlaball, and he also picked up several different accents. They seem to come and go depending on what city he is in, or depending on what word he's pronouncing. But, like Madonna, Cody is just naturally adapting to his multi-cultural surroundings, so don't judge. Also, if you can keep me smiling and entertained for six minutes straight, you can sound however you want.

And, unlike Madonna, Cody isn't a bitch to reporters.

Michael Jackson called Madonna a witch

And you thought they were such great friends:

"Madonna laid the law down to me before we went out. [She said] I am not going to Disneyland, OK? That's out," Jackson said. "I said, 'I didn't ask to go to Disneyland.' She said, 'We are going to the restaurant. And afterwards, we are going to a strip bar.'

"I said, 'I am not going to a strip bar, where they cross dress. ... I am not going to there. If that's how it is, forget this whole thing. ... Afterwards, she wrote some mean things about me in the press. And I wrote that she is a nasty witch, after I was so kind to her," Jackson said.

Meow.

So does this mean she's dead?

Lady Blah Blah ended her "performance" at last night's VMAs covered in blood and hanging from a rope. Finally, I'm a fan!

I tried to watch the whole show, but after the lackluster finale of True Blood (seriously, what a letdown. Maryann's demise was pathetic, and where was Eric?), I had had enough boring teevee for one night. After Madonna's speech, I was done.

If you missed her paying tribute to Michael Jackson, or if you missed Kanye West being a douche (hello, this is news?), those videos are after the jump have been deleted because Viacom thinks its content is worth protecting.

Madonna's "Celebration": Crotch grabs, Jesus, and even Lourdes

Well, here it is. A 51-year-old woman who can still move like this is either amazing or creepy, but the song is fun so I'll leave it at that. It doesn't really get interesting until she makes out with Jesus and her daughter does a back flip, so keep your eyes peeled for those moments near the end.

Happy Birthday, Madonna!

Photo: Francesco Scavullo

In case any of you were feeling young and relevant this morning, I thought I'd remind you that Madonna is 51 YEARS OLD today. I miss the slutty, less skeletal Madonna of the '80s and early '90s, don't you?

For example, check out her brilliance in the below clip from the 1991 Oscars. Note her vulnerability (you can see her hand shaking!), her playful use of her wardrobe, her actually decent voice, and best of all, the pure and obvious fun she had seducing the audience with her campy Mae West/Marilyn Monroe-inspired routine. It's my favorite Madonna performance of all time!

"Sooner or Later" won the Oscar, as did the song she performed on the show six years later, "You Must Love Me" (the girl can deliver). Watch that clip after the jump.