Swine Flu: Killing your chances of hooking up?

First that Craigslist killer totally ruined online cruising, and now this fucking pig flu is threatening to make hooking up with strangers (and even acquaintances!) a major boner-shrinker. The virus is supposedly transferred like most flu viruses, which means you might want to think twice about letting a trick breathe down your neck in the coming days. In fact, things have gotten so scary that the Mexican government has just banned kissing! And don't forget, our government has advised us to avoid non-essential travel to Mexico, so those of you looking forward to going south of the border for all that Mexico has to offer during spring break are just gonna have to wait, unless you consider taking in a donkey show and scoring cheap prescription pills "essential."

Hey, we like a filthy pig bottom just as much as the next guy, but this is getting kind of scary. Is anything safe? How do you know if you've been infected? And what can you do to avoid this thing?

Ha, what the hell do you think this is, WebMD? Sorry, all we can say is be careful if you plan on having close contact with any hot Mexican guys (which we try to do often), or anyone who has been to Mexico, or anyone who knows anyone who's been to Mexico. And for pete's sake, wash your hand(s) after you give somebody an HJ.

BONUS! Actual video of someone being infected with Swine Flu and the immediate symptoms that follow, after the jump.

My kind of party

Photo: Getty Images

Every year, the Japanese honor the penis by having not one, but two festivals with giant statues of dicks. One of them is called Utamaro, which celebrates cherry blossoms and is supposed to bring people good luck, and the other is Kanamara Matsuri, where organziers raise money for HIV research.

In other news, Mason Wyler was just seen at SFO boarding a flight to Japan with a 10-gallon jug of lube.

What the fuck is "anal poisoning"?

In between popping 'ludes and twinkie wieners on his show yesterday, beloved radio personality Rush Limbaugh made fun of British PM Gordon Brown's apparent gushing over President Obama, and revealed to us his secret knowledge of a new STD found in saliva that somehow makes its way into assholes. We have no idea how this is supposed to work (and if anyone would, it would be us), but memo to Gordon Brown: You might wanna get that thing checked out. Rush only speaks the truth.

Here's your Limbaugh on the hobo's 21st century communication, the AM radio:

“But the slobbering [over Barack Obama], the slobbering…this guy, folks I’m telling ya, if he keeps this up throughout the G20, Gordon Brown will come down with anal poisoning and may die from it.”

So, Limbaugh is basically saying that Brown is slobbering on Obama by ass-fucking him with his mouth? Maybe it's just the pills talking. Either that or they do things really different over in the UK.

There's some video of Limbaugh after the jump, but we can't promise that it will make any of this any easier to understand.

"Suck in more and pull your cock in past your lips, then pop it in and out."

Happy Friday!

Ever wanted to suck your own dick but you've never been able to figure out how? (Don't lie.) Well, this site offers tips on how to blow yourself. And yes, they're totally serious.

Fave directive:

Besides a bad back, having a huge gut is another impediment to self-sucking. If you have a major overhang, it’s going to get in the way and block you from your goal. Be sure you suck in your gut to get it out of the way. Grab onto the edge of whatever you’re sitting on and use it to pull yourself further down. You may want to keep one hand on your dick to steady it, or to pull it upwards towards your mouth. In this position you need to use a bobbing motion of your head or upper body to go down on yourself.

We've always wondered...if a straight guy sucks his own dick, does that make him gay? Probably not, since a straight guy jerking off is never considered gay, and there's no difference between your own hand and your own mouth. But what if a straight guy sucks himself off, and then shoots a huge load all over his face? Come on, that's pretty gay. Seriously, just picture it.

Anyways! Go check out CollegeSexAdvice and feel free to leave us a comment here telling us how you suck your own dick. We're always looking for new techniques.

This is confusing, but kind of hot

Photo via Daily Mail

Meet Paul "PJ" James, a former runway modeland bodybuilder who's got a little stunt he'd like to tell you about. The Australian personal trainer decided it would be a good idea to go on a diet of bacon, chocolate milk, and cream-based sauces. Sounds like my kind of guy. He says he's doing it because he was "finding it difficult to relate to [his] overweight gym members" and wants to "crank up [his] weight to experience life as an overweight person."

Hey, there's nothing like pigging out on junk food with a hot guy (don't ask), but I'm not really into the "after" picture on the right. It's one thing to have a belly, but what kind of Pregnant Man shit is going on here? Something isn't right! Trust me, I know what it looks like when someone puts on a few extra pounds (again, DON'T ASK), and this ain't it. It's like all of the fat went straight to his gut, OctoMom style. That being said, I'd still sign up for a training session with PJ, if you know what I mean. Sorry, I'm a sucker for a man holding a bag of Doritos.

Kinky sex on the rise: Domination, bondage, and flogging

Photo: MenMachine.com

A new report claims that all of you are getting much more freaky in the bedroom. Is the rise in kink because of the Internet? And is kinky sex a good thing? Find out after the jump.

How much life do you have left?

Photo: MAKE

Have you ever wondered how many years you have left on Earth?

Check out the chart after the jump and you will know!

Swallowers take note: Giving head might protect against HIV

Photo: MenMachine.com

So now they're telling us that exposure to HIV is a good thing?

A group of Swedish researchers reported that repeated exposure to HIV during oral sex might actually protect someone from becoming infected with the virus. Evidently the body builds antibodies against the virus after repeated exposure. Unzipped has the scoop...

Get drunk and have better sex

Photo: Getty Images

Evidently everything we've heard about the relationship between alcohol consumption and limp dick is wrong. According to a study of 1,580 men from Western Australia, drinkers had up to 30 percent fewer problems with erectile dysfunction (aka "brewer's droop") than non-drinkers.

Ballers check their balls!

There's nothing sexy about cells metastasizing in your balls. But according to Gay.com, the most common form of cancer among males aged 12 to 50 is the testicular variety.

Fortunately, prevention can be fun—if you do it right. Or if you watch someone hot doing it right. Like these naked English rugby players. Yowza.

Go Below the Belt to see this hot video!