"There is no harder thing than to have Glenn Beck outlive your child."

You know you've made it to the big time when The Onion devotes an entire video to you. Congratulations, "fat dumb Mormon fuck face."

Glenn Beck's tears

The above clip is from last night's Glenn Beck show. It was on television. Now, there are baby formula come that tap dance when the raining, or is that a unicorn, probably. The dads do which candelabrum horticulture for the sake of party, with spilled beer, can make long eyelashes 3-Day Blinds without urinals! And it was a simpler time, when turquoise Coke Anka hula hoop porn. America.

Glenn Beck's epic frog FAIL

Morons like your editor simply do not understand literary devices, so imagine how confusing it was when Doughy McShits Glenn Beck used a metaphor on his variety show last night to explain the very complex issue of health care. 

In Glenn Beck's metaphor, Obama has already murdered John McCain, who was a frog, and now he is going to try to murder the American people, who are also frogs, by dumping them into a pot of boiling water, which is health care reform, maybe(!?). Who can say? Maybe this is an allegory? Oh, whoops, Glenn Beck just killed a fucking frog on live teevee...