Prince Harry is gonna blow...

Photo: BauerGriffinonline.com

...out candles today. Everyone's favorite fire-crotched bad boy is 25. No need to send Harry gifts though, he's got a huge one. The royal ginger gained access to the first part of his inheritance—$15 million. He gets the rest when he turns 30.

Let's hope that money and maturity won't put a damper on his sexy, mischievous side.

Don't mess with these broads

You're probably wondering what these three elegant ladies are doing here, but don't worry, they are part of a very krazy story, and it involves cock! Cock, and Krazy Glue:

WAUSAU, Wis. — A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his handful of lovers at an eastern Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound, blindfolded and assaulted by a group of women out for revenge, according to court documents. Four women, including his wife, eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his stomach in a bizarre plot to punish him for a lover's quadrangle gone bad.

Not to be rude, but if you're gonna hook up with four different women, shouldn't at least one of them not look like a former cast member of G.L.O.W. on a meth binge? That being said, the one in the middle with the crimped hair is smiling with her eyes while thinking "FML," and I can appreciate that.

Wendy Sewell, Therese Ziemann, 48, of Menasha, Michelle Belliveau, 43, of Neenah, and the man's wife (not pictured) are charged with being party to false imprisonment, a felony. Ziemann also is charged with fourth-degree sexual assault. Criminal complaints filed Friday allege the man agreed to be bound with "sheer sheets" and blindfolded with a pillowcase for a "rub down" by Ziemann. She instead cut off his underwear with a scissors and summoned the others to the room with a text message. Ziemann struck the man in the face, and used Krazy Glue to attach his penis to his stomach when the other women arrived, according to the complaints.

As charming as this white trash lovers' quarrel is, there's one more component needed to make it "perfect."

You know what I'm talking about.

Wait for it...

Ziemann told investigators she met the man online through Craigslist.

Fucking a horse named Sugar got this guy arrested for buggery in Horry County

Sorry, but there are so many hot words going on in this story, I tried to include them all in the post's title.

Some dude in Horry County, S.C., has been charged with fucking a horse...for the second time. The horse, Sugar, was so sweet, Rodell Vereen went back for seconds, after already being arrested for trying to have sexytimes with her over a year ago. Apparently, the man is mentally ill (really?):

Vereen has had mental problems for several years, but seemed to get better after getting court-ordered treatment last year, said his brother, the Rev. James Vereen, who lives just down the street from his brother and the stables.

"He's done all right when he was on the medicine. I don't know if he is still taking it," said James Vereen, who added his brother has kept to himself a lot in the last few months.

Horry County police don't often investigate animal sex allegations, spokesman Sgt. Robert Kegler said. In fact, he said the last person charged with buggery in the county was Rodell Vereen in late 2007.

There are more horrible details about this man and his buggery here, including a quote from the horse's owner about how she first discovered Vereen in her barn, asleep on a pile of hay right next to Sugar. I'm picturing pillow talk, and I feel really gross.

The only good thing about this story is that it finally gives me an opportunity to share this video of Ken and "I call it a hubba hubba" Ellie. If you haven't already seen it, you're welcome!

David Letterman will rape you with his mouth!

Here is a fun late-afternoon clip for you. Howard Stern's Richard and Sal went to that fake David Letterman protest in New York the other day to make out in front of all those phony protesters who claim to be offended by a joke that everyone with half a working brain knows was about Sarah Palin's oldest daughter (who has already been knocked up), not the younger one. After laughing at these mouth breathers (who seem curiously more like paid actors than actual protesters, but that's just me), check out Richard and Sal at the very end of the clip.

Another dumb pedo gets busted for being a dumb pedo

At least Circuit City did one thing right before going out of business. Hey, if you're gonna take your computer in for an upgrade, you better be prepared to have everything on it exposed.

Idiot:

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court won't stop Pennsylvania officials from prosecuting a man whose computer was found to contain child pornography while it was at Circuit City being upgraded.

Kenneth Sodomsky wants the high court to suppress the videos found on his computer, which he had taken into a Circuit City in Wyomissing, Penn., to get a DVD burner installed into it. While the computer was in the store, a worker looked through some of the files and found movie files with "questionable" names referring to boys of various ages. The worker then found a video of a hand reaching toward a penis and called the police.

Police seized the computer, obtained a warrant and found child pornography. Sodomsky moved to suppress the discovery, saying the Circuit City employees had no right to search his computer and show any of its contents to police.

And yes, we are aware of this man's terribly unfortunate last name.

The day Rockstar threatened to sue me

"I'm from Los Angeles and I'm gonna sue you!"

That was always my favorite Andy Kaufman gag (from back when he was trying to be a pro wrestler).

That is until I got a cease and desist letter from L.A. law firm Glaser, Weil, Fink, Jacobs, Howard & Shapiro (as in Robert Shapiro—he repped O.J. and, briefly, Phil Spector) on behalf of their client, Rockstar, Inc., the makers of Rockstar Energy Drinks.

So read my retraction (from Gaywired.com):

It’s always such a pick-me-up to get a letter from lawyers, especially from the sensitive folks at Rockstar, Inc., and Rockstar Beverage Corp, makers of Rockstar Energy Drinks. (That’s an explanation, by the way, not a plug.)

GayWired recently posted a story about a website—TheTruthAboutRockstar.com—which seeks to publicize the connection between Rockstar, Inc., and right-wing, homophobic radio host Michael Savage (né Michael Weiner). In doing so, GayWired referred to Savage as a co-founder of Rockstar, Inc., and referred to the company’s “founders’ homophobic, racist and otherwise discriminatory public statements.”

What was wrong with this statement? The legal communiqué certainly didn’t deny that Savage has branded gay men as “sodomites,” told radio show callers to “get AIDS and die,” referred to lesbian marriages as “child abuse,” and called a transgender murder victim a “psychopath” and a “freak,” nor that he recently landed on a short list of “hate promoters” who are banned from entering Britain.

No, the problem, according to Rockstar’s attorneys, is that “Mr. Savage is not a co-founder of Rockstar. Russell Weiner, Rockstar’s CEO and principal shareholder is the sole founder of Rockstar and Mr. Savage has never been an officer, director, employee or shareholder of Rockstar.”

GayWired regrets naming Michael Savage as a co-founder of Rockstar and apologizes for the error. Russell Weiner, who happens to be Savage’s son, is the sole founder of the company. As the attorneys iterate, “Mr. Savage is not affiliated with Rockstar in any manner.”

GayWired presumes that a similar clarification is on its way to the Nevada Secretary of State. For according to that office, Savage’s company, Savage Productions, uses the same mailbox and is registered at the same street address as Rockstar. Also, Rockstar’s sole officer other than Russell Weiner is Savage’s wife and Weiner’s mother, Janet Weiner, who fills the positions of director, treasurer, and secretary. Ms. Weiner must be exceedingly adept at these diverse responsibilities since she is also the director, treasurer, and secretary of Savage Productions.

And if Weiner and Savage did not co-found Rockstar, they did, according to the Oakland Tribune, co-found the Paul Revere Society to promote conservative causes and protest illegal immigration. “The Internal Revenue Service revoked the society’s tax-exempt status in 2006,” notes Tribune reporter Josh Richman, and some search results for PRS now redirect users to Savage’s site. (Doubtless no society activities took place on Rockstar, Inc., company time.) Last month, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom returned a $25,000 contribution to his 2010 California gubernatorial campaign from Weiner.

In a final note, Weiner’s lawyers also protest GayWired’s assertion that “the public has finally decided to go after the family business.” “No such public movement exists,” their letter insists. So in addition to looking up the definitions of “affiliated with” and “in any manner,” GayWired can only suggest that those who are circling the wagons at Rockstar add an Internet search engine to their computers. Googling themselves could be highly educational.

All four things...

Everything you ever wanted to know about America...in one screen capture! (Via Wonkette.)

The religious right really likes the kinky shit

So what's got those wacky religious zealots up in arms this week? How 'bout a poster for the upcoming Folsom Street Fair?

Yes, the newly formed group Americans for Truth About Homosexuality has gone on a tirade against the "sick" and "über-depraved" poster that the Folsom Fair team came up with to promote this year's festival. Mocking traditional family values with glee, the poster (which was shot by Titan's Bruce Mills) shows an alternate—and much more fun—version of the so-called nuclear family, featuring fetish king (and Titan exclusive) Tony Buff. This reminds us—if Tony Buff were a member of our family, we might have to seriously reconsider our opposition to incest.

Americans for Truth saw (and jerked off to) the poster and then issued a jizz-drenched statement, saying, "such vileness could only emerge from a 'GLBT' movement that celebrates sexual deviance in the first place." They go on to question whether Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi will "continue to pander to her homosexual base" by not publicly denouncing the poster. Something tells us good old Nancy might have some other things to worry about right now.

But oh, these wacky fundamentalists. Always running off at the mouth every time they feel threatened about their own sexuality. You gotta love 'em. After all, they sure do provide us with lots of laughs, and they're really doing us a favor: The more they hoot and holler and rant and rave about homosexuality, the more people they bring over to our side. Thanks for the new recruits, folks! We'll be sure to ship you your complimentary toasters...um, sometime soon.

Wall Street fucked us over, now it's their turn

Call it "recession porn": In the trailer for his latest "ripped from the headlines" skin flick, Lucas Entertainment president Michael Lucas tackles the high-powered world of Wall Street, demonstrating how greed for power comes in many forms and perhaps shedding some light on the country's current economic state of affairs. (Seriously, if all those execs on Wall Street hadn't been so busy fucking each other in one way or another, we probably wouldn't be in this mess right about now.)

Anyway, back to porn: Lucas' latest erotic suspense flick stars Ben Andrews, Rafael Alencar, Arpad Miklos, Kain Warn, Ethan Storm, Dimitri Romanov, Valentin, Kayl O'Riley and Andrew James, and features Lucas himself in the role of an ambiguously shady corprorate fat cat. From the looks of the trailer, Wall Street looks to be yet another award-worthy entry in the Lucas canon. Just don't expect the Grabbys to nominate it for anything...

Original video: Unzipped goes tea-bagging with Wolf Hudson

While the Republicans were getting their big tea party shut down by police in D.C. today (it's always good to see justice prevailing), we were busy celebrating National Tea Bagging Day in our own way. We hooked up with porn star Wolf Hudson and hit the streets of West Hollywood to find out what the American public really thinks of tea-bagging. And the results were pretty amusing, to say the least...