Swisher Saves the Gays

We are now going to write about urination. You have been warned.

New AXE ad is the best twink skater porn ever created

Photo: MTV

You may remember 19-year-old pro skater Ryan Sheckler (above) and his rather pointless (but totally boner-inducing) MTV show, Life of Ryan. Well, that program was cancelled almost two years ago (wah!). But now the stud is back in the most insanely hot deodorant commercial we've ever seen on broadcast TV. Check it:

There are even more athletic young dudes showing off their pits at DoublePitsToChesty.com, so check that out if you dig sweaty, manly underarms.

This marriage equality ad is sweet, sad

Some marriage equality ads miss the mark and give me a case of the blahs (i.e. that horrific one with Dianne Feinstein here in California), while others are fantastic and inspire me (at least for a minute) to be a more vocal and passionate supporter of the cause. Well, this is one of those ads (featuring music from the lovely Lisa Hannigan). I feel empowered by posting it! Now, back to hot guys.

This is one horny piece of fruit

Everyone knows that the easiest way to sell candy is to make it sexy, so it only makes sense that candy maker Haribo would push its "MAOAM" (don't ask me how to pronounce that) line of treats by depicting cherries, lemons, and one seriously slutty lime engaging in a fruit orgy. Unfortunately, some boner killer in the UK is not pleased with this packaging, so he went and complained:

Simon Simpkins, a dad of two, said he was shocked at the "pornographic" poses when he bought Haribo's MAOAM sweets for his children. Mr Simpkins of Pontefract, West Yorkshire, told The Sun: "The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. "The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face."

Haribo thinks its wrappers are just fine, saying that "The jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old."

Totally. Look at how much fun he's having!

And, don't worry, we're already working on having the MAOAM man as our next Unzipped centerfold.

(Via Dlisted.)

A Twilight dildo

First there was wine for gays, and now we have dildos for Twilight fans—Twildos?—who can't get enough vampire dick. Makes sense. Scientific studies have proven year after year after year that gays and vampire lovers are the two demographic groups with the most disposable income.

This phony phallus is called The Vamp, and it retails for under $40:

Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night. The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow...Yes, the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

Icy cold, lifeless, pale, pretend penises? Why not save the $40 and just break into a morgue and fuck a real dead person?

Finally! Wine for gay men

Are you gay? Do you like wine? Here then, drink this gay wine:

Uncork the bottle, let it breathe for a while…then pour a brimming glass, examine the color, deep, almost black. Swirl the contents playfully and see how it flows slowly over the surface of the glass. It smells of ripe, dark fruits, fragrant, a steamy jungle, a…

Taste it. Raise the glass to your lips and you’ll notice deep and balanced flavors, they are sumptuous, you can almost chew on them, they fill you.

UO! Wines currently offers three different types of wine for homosexuals, and as you can see from the copy above, they know that in order to sell booze to the gays, it has to sound like you are actually giving the booze a blowjob.

Whatever happened to just drinking wine because you want to get drunk?

Even more underwear from ES Collection

Photos: ES Collection

Last month, we put up some photos from soft core porn outlet underwear designer ES Collection and, well, now we found more.

As you can see from the shot above, it's quite chilly in the mountains, so we're glad at least one of them brought a face mask. See more photos and a behind the scenes video—all designed to make you want to buy underwear—after the jump.

You knew this was coming

Since they are mass-producing these things for everyone and everything in every shape, size, and design, why don't they let people "create their own" Snuggie? Maybe some of us don't want the openings for our arms and we'd prefer openings for our junk instead. Maybe some of you would like holes cut out in the rear—"butt holes," if you will. And I'm really not feeling that childish Snuggie logo, so can I just get Lucky Daniels' face embroidered all over the damn thing? Thank you.

That fake Sprite ad was actually fake

Hey remember that Sprite ad from earlier this week that we never posted because we knew that it was fake and also because we don't need to watch some lady get a soda facial when we're surrounded by the real thing all day long, with actual gay porn stars? Well, it was as fake and as pointless as we, and many others, knew it was. Just some guy cold makin' up BJ ads. He tells Gawker:

I directed and produced the fake Sprite ads that have been making the rounds over the past five days. There have been quite a lot of false statements made regarding these and I would like to make a few things very clear about these spots. First, there was no involvement from either The Coca-Cola Company or Greencard Pictures. Second, this was not supposed to be taken seriously by anybody. They were made completely on spec, which was clearly stated on the YouTube pages on which the ads were primarily seen. I paid for, produced and directed both spots independently. I am frankly quite surprised that spots of this nature were so quickly and easily believed to be legitimate. I hope that all parties involved will understand that this was a simple mistake that went much too far too fast, and that it is now made clear that these were not real commercials, nor were they ever produced with intention of being taken as such.

Ha ha, enjoy your lawsuit, pervert.

Do you like this underwear?

Photos: ES Collection via Beautiful

ES Collection has come out with a brand new line of underwear for Fall 2009/Winter 2010, and the accompanying ad campaign is after the jump. It will make you really appreciate the usefulness of underwear!