Pat Boone: "I love gays"

Pat Boone, who was made famous in the 1950s by stealing rock 'n' roll from black people, has now made a new name for himself by writing articles—on the Internet!

"Pat" (born Charles Eugene) has been a regular contributor over at Christian comedy website "World Net Daily" for several years, where he's taken on the theory of evolution, Democrats, and the Dixie Chicks. Last week, he hilariously compared gay people protesting the passage of Prop 8 to the terrorists who attacked Mumbai, because making cardboard signs with terrible puns is the same thing as blowing up a hotel.

Now, it seems as though our Pat's article may have offended a few too many people, as he's written yet another column about gay people. What's he saying today, HMMMM?

Pat, like everyone else who insults and subjugates gays, actually has gay "friends" and even loves gay people, as evidenced by his new article, which is cleverly titled  "I love gays."

And Pat doesn't mince words:

I need to say right here, honestly and unashamedly—I love gays.  I always have, always will.  I have proved it, over and over.

Really? Well, if you love them so much, why don't you marry one?  Oh, right.

I met my first homosexual friend while I was in high school. He was a Navy veteran who had come back to finish his schooling. He put his hand on my thigh while we were parked at a fast food drive in. I was a cow milker with a vise-like grip, and after I nearly squeezed his wrist off, letting him know he had the wrong guy, he said, "I guess you'll tell everybody, and I'll get kicked out of school." I assured him I wouldn't, and I told nobody. I really felt empathy for him, because he obviously was not a happy man.

A cow milker with a vise-like grip? Don't threaten me with a good time...

And, uh, earth to Pat, you just broke your word by telling the entire Internet about your Navy buddy. Nice going, liar.

What other homoerotic stories with "friends" do you have to dish?

Years ago, I sat by the bed of one of my closest friends as he lay dying in a VA hospital. AIDS didn't have a name yet, but that's what was killing him. His teeth had fallen out; he had no immune system left. We prayed together, and I saw him off to heaven. I loved Roger.

Later (you may be surprised to learn), I really went out on a limb and wrote two books, about and with homosexual friends. The first was "Joy: A Homosexual's Fulfillment," and the second "Coming Out: True Stories of the Gay Exodus." They were written with a longtime lesbian, a former very promiscuous male homosexual and with a transsexual man who had emasculated himself in an effort to be a woman.

They'd been down the whole road and back again, and they told me their stories and how they'd each been able to leave the homosexual lifestyle. This was not expedient for me as an entertainer, but I did it out of real love for gays. I do care.

Yes, there is nothing that gays want more than to be told how it is possible to not be gay by a ragtag crew of "longtime lesbians," trannies, and Pat Boone. Thanks, guys!

Alright, let's wrap this up. Who's your most favorite gay of all time?

I prayed with Rock Hudson and placed my hands on his bony chest, anointing him with oil, right at the end of his life. He couldn't speak because of the lesions in his throat, but the grateful glow in his eyes told me all I needed to know. There was love between us—and I saw him off to heaven, too.  I know I'll see him there again.

So, all of Pat Boone's gay friends are dead, in the closet, or not gay anymore thanks to his "books." And in some cases, they are all of the above. If using dead people and/or the emotionally disturbed to promote your cause isn't love, I don't know what is.

All is forgiven, Charles Eugene "Pat"!